How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize