There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Found the puke drawer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
