Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
