Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
