the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
