i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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