2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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