I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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