last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
