Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
