you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
