we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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