I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
3pm strippers are depressing
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
