If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
