You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
