Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize