I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
