my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
