Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
