im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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