How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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