You just made me feel so damn special
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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