Are we in a gay sports bar?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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