The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
