just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
