did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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