Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize