You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
