god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
