Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize