So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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