I just cut my nipple shaving
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
