Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
