she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
