Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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