Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
