Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
