the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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