It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
