I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
