i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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