dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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