you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
