she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
