never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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