hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
