I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
