what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
