He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize