I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
