I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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