my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize