i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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