Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
