We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
