Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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