areolas are like halos for boobs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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