I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
