A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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