the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize